I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
