my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
