They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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