the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
