yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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