i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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