I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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