Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
