You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
