someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Who died my cat blue again?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
