Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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