i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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