I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
how drunk are you?
Several
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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