every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
