the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
