answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
