My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
