New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
