My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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