woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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