well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
