dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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