just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
