why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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