Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
