Umm I'm too high to move.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
