there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
