i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
