So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
