i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
