I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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