gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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