i may or may not be watching the land before time
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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