I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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