i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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