Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My liver just had a heart attack.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
