When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
