I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
