Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
