Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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