you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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