I will die if light touches me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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