First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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