I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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