I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
