Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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