highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
