i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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