HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
