I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
