after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
