if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
